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[-333-]
OLD THINGS BY NEW NAMES.
THERE seems to be a rage just at the present moment
for re-christening all articles of wearing apparel. Genuine
old Saxon appellations appear to be on the point of being
driven out by foreign invaders, just as our indigenous
population fled before the banners of the White Horse.
A French and Latin dictionary is become almost indispensable
in elucidating one half of the advertisements to
be found in the Times. It is quite bad enough in Scotch
gardeners to astonish a clump of cowslips, or a bed of
edging stock, by ticketing them with some outlandish
name as long as my arm (poor things! I often think
how, in the early morning, they must try and repeat over
to themselves their new names, and at last give it up in
disgust ) — but for honest, downright coats and hats and breeches to be so served, is quite intolerable.
I was making some purchases the other day, in one
of the splendid outfitting establishments in the city,
much given to this sort of absurdity, when a scene occurred
which placed the ludicrousness of the practice in
rather a strong light. A rough-looking farmer came in,
and after gaping round the establishment a minute or two,
wiping his brow and slapping his handkerchief into his
hat with force enough to hit the crown out, he gave a
bang on the counter with his crooked ash stick, and [-334-]
shouted out to "Cash," as the lad is called. who receives
the sales-money from the different shopmen in
his isolated pulpit.
"Young man, I do want doo or dree dthings."
(Undeniable "Down-along" Zummerset,* [* That portion of Somersetshire
which lies between Bristol and
Bridgewater, is called by the inhabitants, "Down-along."] thought I to myself.)
"Cash" took not the least notice of this appeal, however,
but went on apparently at a difficult calculation.
The farmer kept gazing up at him a minute or two
longer, like the man in the illustrated spelling-book
at the boy who won't come down out of the apple
tree.
At last he shouted out, "Co-am down and serve I,
hool'e?"
At this new and rather more energetic summons,
"Cash" lifted his eyes, as a superior being might, who
surveyed an inferior world, glared at the customer, and
fell to his work again as though nothing had occurred.
Two or three assistants, however, who had heard the
noise, now pressed forward to supply the new customer.
"I ben' calling up to dthick veller in pulpit, like mad.
If I had'n in my vive acre at who-am, I'd make'n look a
bit livelier, I reckon; I do want to zee a gurt co-at."
The shopman drew an invisible tape round the capacious
chest of his customer with his eye, and took down a
bundle from a shelf. "I think this paletot —" but
ere he could complete the sentence the farmer was down upon him.
[-335-] "Paletoe, what's a paletoe? what be
thick vellar telling
about?" he said, turning to me.
The shopman in astonishment, stood stock still, and stared
with the string of the still unopened parcel in his mouth.
"I do want a gurt co-at — zummat like dthick," went
on the farmer, buttoning his great sack of a top-coat, and
turning round, "only, we' a little more cut like."
The little dapper assistant had by this time collected
his senses, and, undoing the parcel, he handed out the
paletot, this time prudently omitting its name.
"We do a great deal in this article," said he.
The farmer pinched up the material between his great
thick finger and thumb, then held it up with both hands
between him and the light.
" Why I should bust'n out in the zeems in vive minutes!
uh be dthinner than our Mall's bumbazeen petticoat!
Noa, noa! that on't do vor I."
After a great deal of rummaging, a "slop" great coat
was fixed upon, which chiefly recommended itself because
of a side pocket that would be "handy-like for a vlem."
" What's the next article I can do for you?" said the shopman.
" Well I do want doo or dree szhurts."
"Carratzza's?" said the salesman, interrogatively.
The farmer looked up and down as if he did not quite
catch the question ; then, as if he fancied his dog must
have been addressed, he whistled and said, "Snap, tell the
gentleman can you kill a rat, zur."
"You mistake me," said the shopman. "This is the
carratzza shirt — buttons behind — cut to shape of body — small sleeves — article I can recommend."
[-336-]
The countryman gave a loud guffaw, but it sounded
most ominously; he evidently did not know whether to
laugh or swear. He didn't want, he said, such "vancy
dthengs," but "zummat as ould stand harvest work, and
not strike in cold wi' the zweet:" so he was duly served
with long-cloth.
"Is there anything else to-day ," said the shopman.
"Well, let's ha' a look at a hat, — a cheap un and a good
un, mind."
" Let me recommend you one of the Hydrotobolics.'·
" What de zay now?" said the farmer half savagely,
growling out in the midst of the new purchase, the cuffs
of which he was adjusting over his great beefy hands.
"An hydrotobolic," returned the salesman;
"you will
find this a great improvement on the old system."
"I want a hat, and none of your bolics," said the
customer,
with a suspicious look, as though he suspected the
man was making fun of him.
A hat was now handed down, and the assistant took off
the silver paper with a whirl. "This," said he, "is the
patent ventilator."
" Thur, tak'n away, tak'n away; I wunt ha' none o'
your new-vangled dthengs. Let's look at an old-vashioned
beaver as ull look well when the wind ruffs'n up a bit."
At last he got a broad brim to his fancy, and as he surveyed himself in
his new hat and coat in the cheval glass, he exclaimed —
"I be darn'd if my oId missus ool know I in dthick
new rig."
"You don't want anytbing in tbe boot line'" adroitly
put in the shopman, glancing at the feet of his customer, [-337-]
which looked more like battered fiat irons than anything else.
"Well, they be main shabby," said the farmer, glancing
at his well-worn tops; "let's look at some new und. We
wunt spile the zship for a ha'p'orth o' tar."
" Let me call your attention to a new article just out,"
said the shopman — "Gutta percha soles."
"Darn thee now, hear to un!" said the now thoroughly
irritated clod, turning to me again. " He do think I a
soft un; but I'm blowed if I stand his chaffing any
longer '"
A tremendous whack of the crooked ash stick upon
the counter made the announcement more emphatic. The
shopman gave a start, and dropped the pair of gutta-percha
soled boots he was holding out to his customer. " Gutta percha —"
he stammered.
"Don't gutta perch me any more, I zay. Make out
thee bill, and , let's ha' done we'e! " roared the farmer.
While the salesman was making out the bill, I amused
myself with giving the old farmer a sketch of the quality
of the gutta-percha soles, telling him how they got as
hard as iron in cold weather, and the propensity they
had to melt off your feet when innocently warming your
toes at the fire.
" New vangled dthengs be brengen this country to
ruination," he muttered in reply. At last he paid his
bill and was about to trudge, when his tormentor, as
though he could not help it, as a parting speech, called
his attention to a pair of "calcarapedes," or self-adjusting goloshes. The countryman turned upon his heel, and as
he banged his stick upon the floor, said, "I tell thee what, [-338-]
my lad, If I had thee down along for a few minutes, I'd
beat some king's English out o' thee; and, clutching his
bundle, departed. His dog Snap, noting the anger of his
master, thought he also must make a telling exit; so,
rushing up to a wooden dummy, representing a little boy
in a sky-blue tunic, he made a grab at one of his legs;
finding, however, that his teeth met something harder than
flesh, he worried it savagely for a moment, and then
bolted with a piece of blue pantaloons in his mouth, waving
like a flag.